bernd's board for lateral lengwitch


this page is yet in its infancy ....
here are the first bits & pieces - about cross-cultural communication, and about (strangely enough) rating scales!



>> TEND JEW, TEND JEW BERRY MUD
>>
NEW ENGLISH - FOR EC PURPOSES
>> CONVERSATION BETWEEN CONDOLEEZA RICE & GEORGE W. BUSH

 
CROSS-CULTURAL COMMUNICATION #1

everyone who has ever travelled in an asian country will appreciate this famous piece
(yes you may have seen it b4 - but it's just soo funny, it must be included here)


>>>  "TEND JEW, TEND JEW BERRY MUD"

Preface
    Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking funny for a while after reading this. It  will certainly test your English ..  This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review (and became a true classic of 'cross-cultural humour'...)

Room Service (RS):   Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G):   Sorry, I thought I dialled room service.
RS:   Rye ... Ruin sorbees ... morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G:     Uh..yes ... I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS:   Ow July den?
G:     What??
RS:   Ow July den? ... pry, boy, pooch?
G:     Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS:   Ow July dee baychem ... crease?
G:     Crisp will be fine.
RS:   Hokay. An San tos?
G:     What?
RS:   San tos. July San tos?
G:     I don't think so.
RS:   No? Judo one toes??
G:     I feel really bad about this, but I don't know  what 'judo one toes' means.
RS:   Toes! toes! ... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we other?
G:     English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS:   We bother?
G:     No..just put the bother on the side.
RS:   Wad?
G:     I mean butter ... just put it on the side.
RS:   Copy?
G:     Sorry?
RS:   Copy ... tea ... mill?
G:     Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS:   One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye??
G:     Whatever you say.
RS:   Tend jew berry mud.
G:     You're welcome ...

 
   Source: found on the internet; said to be first published in the Far East Economic Review, circa 2000





CROSS-CULTURAL COMMUNICATION
#2

knot evriwun purceaves the english lengwitch - the planet's lingua franca - as all that eezy (coertinly knot me, hoo speecks germanglish), so aye was d-lited wenn reedin zis hear:


NEW ENGLISH - FOR EC PURPOSES         


    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of  leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer  vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi o understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!


  Source: sum unnoun iooro pee an sattirist ...



CROSS-CULTURAL COMMUNICATION
#3

Another thing for those who like linguistic fun ...

"A conversation of Condoleeza Rice and George W. Bush in the White House"

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.


Source:
  Found on the internet - early 2003


=> E-MAIL SATURATION SCALE
=> CONFUSION CODING CHECKLIST
=> JOE's&JAY's MOOD SCALE
=> HOW-R-ZINX SCALE



SCALES SCALES SCALES - - #1

restlessly working in my pet research area, which is rating scale construction (that surprises you enormously?),
i'm pleased to put forward my latest creation:

 
  E-MAIL SATURATION SCALE

  1   i'll jump out of the window (ship, train) if i'm not getting an e-mail now, right now, now!!

  2  getting another five e-mails today would be about right, and a dozen for the weekend

  3  don't want any further e-mail at the moment but expect finding nice messages tomorrow morning

  4  let's achieve a reasonable number of exchanges, eg, twice a week (as luther suggested for sex, rite?)

  5  i'm happy to get more e-mail, but not before i've read thru my crowded inbox - how about next month?

  6  don't hurry with further e-mailing, just one for x-mas is enough

  7  i definitively don't want any, note: any, further e-mail before february 30



this amazingly idiotic scale was induced by complaints of friends that they can't cope with all that e-mailing anymore ... but also a friend's claim to suffer from "edip" (email-deprivation-induced psychosis) ...
anyway, tell me, how're ye feeling emaildesirewise these days, huh?




SCALES SCALES SCALES - - #2


just in case you feel like scaling who confused you are ... here's my

  CCC  CONFUSION CODING CHECKLIST
  ::
  1  my level of understanding is einsteinian
  surely grasping whats goin' on
  just a little uncertain - not to worry yet
  4  maybe i'm confused? or not? who knows?
  5  some fog is closing in on my thinking
  6  thinx are about "klar wie klossbruehe"
  7  everything is contradictory and i don't even know why or when

  ::

and how confused do you feel today?




SCALES SCALES SCALES - - #3


need a mood scale? here's the best on the planet:
JOE's&JAY's MOOD SCALE

 0    debacly
 1    shitty
 2    squeamy
 3    melancherly
 4    abitdownwardy
 5    orlraity
 6    abitupwardy
 7    nottoobaddy
 8    cheery
 9    beamy
10  ecstaty

i hope you are at least on "1" after reading this ixsillymint instrument ...




SCALES SCALES SCALES - - #4


finally something simple - my straightforward "how-r-zinx" scale ...

RATING SCALE: HOW GOODLY OR BADLY ARE THINX??

::
:
 totally terryble  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  trooly terryffyc
:

::


n.b.: usually i hover around 2.22 myself - -  yet after creating this fabulous skayl i was up to 3.33 for several seconds!


almost every year i create a somewhat weird pronouncement for the new year and e-mail it to my friends ... here are some:

=> 2011   => 2012   => 2015   => 2016

Calendar2011

Calendar2012

Calendar2015

Calendar2016

these cartoons shall show that next year's life may rattling along, or be easy-going, or rather a dyffycylt task - and demanding in any case!


=^=v=0=v=^=--/\--=^=v=0=v=^=--/\--=^=v=0=v=^=
=v=0=v=^=--/\--=^=v=0=v=^=--/\--=^=v=0=v=


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